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Battle of the Commercials
(The usual opening shot of the explosion occurs, but the NC is revealed wielding not a gun, but a remote control. Through the hole made by the explosion, it is revealed that instead of his usual wardrobe, the NC is wearing his "I Donut Donuts" shirt. The title music begins all the while, but with the push of a button on his control, the music stops abruptly, after which, the NC pushes the holed screen away.) NC: (the caption "WHO" appears in green) Nostalgia Critic. (the caption "WHAT" appears, also in green) Reviewing commercials. (the caption "TITLE" appears, once more in green) Like you give a shit. COMMERCIALS!!! (Once again, as in the past, we are treated to the same old opening sequence: the "After These Messages" bumpers from ABC.) Three Clay Singers: After these messages... Clay Fire Hydrant: (sings) After these messages... Clay Cowboy: (sings) After these messages... Clay Dog: (sings) After these messages... (The title "Like You Give a Shit" is shown.) Three Clay Singers: (audio) ...we'll be right back! Spider-Man for the Atari 2600 (TV static transition to: '''Spider-Man Atari 2600 game' commercial)'' (The Green Goblin jumps on the roof of a building, holding a lit bomb and cackling) NC (vo): Uh-oh, what's the Green Goblin up to now? (Goblin looks toward Spider-Man, who is playing a Spider-Man game on the Atari 2600) Oh, no! He's forcing Spider-Man to play his own Atari game! NC: (looking around shiftily) Actually, that is kind of evil. Green Goblin: Watch yourself fall, silk-slinger! NC (vo): This is an enjoyably goofy commercial, but what really sells it is the guy playing the Goblin. Green Goblin: (his voice somewhat distorted) Try to get a better time, Spider-Man! (cackles) NC (vo): I think his dentist put meth in his laughing gas. Green Goblin: (cackles) If I don't get you, webhead, my gang of nasties will! Spider-Man: Holy Hannah! NC: (amused) I love this guy! NC (vo): (as the Goblin goes crazy just before leaping down) He can't even leave the frame without going nuts! Green Goblin: (dropping off building) WHOO-HOO-HOO! (The Goblin is shown leaping up again and squatting down, revealing his groin, which an arrow points out) NC (vo): Stop presenting! Show some dignity when you're in that costume! Spider-Man: Holy Hannah! Green Goblin: And you're running out of (barely audible) FLUUUUIIIIID! NC (vo): What's he even saying here? He's so excited I can't make it out! Green Goblin: You're running out of FLUUUUUUIIIIIID! NC: (confused) What?? Green Goblin: You're running out of FLUUUUUUIIIIIID! NC: Okay, I've watched this over a hundred times; I've studied it; I've analyzed every possibility. I still don't know what the hell he's saying! Green Goblin: You're running out of FLUUUUUUIIIIIID! NC: (sighs) Here are my closest guesses. (A montage is shown, showing the Goblin saying, "You're running out of fluid", along with various interpretations of the line, each displayed as a green subtitle:) Guess #1: You're running out of Blue Whip! (an image of a bowl of Kraft Blue Whip is displayed in the corner) Guess #2: You're running out of Glue Lids! (an image of various bottles of Elmer's Glue is displayed, some with lids and some without, is displayed) Guess #3: You're running out of Bloo Wigs! (an image of Bloo (from ''Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends) wearing a wig is displayed)'' Guess #4: You're running out of Flu Weed! (an image of a sick man with a thermometer in his mouth while someone gives him some weed is shown) (The montage ends) Green Goblin: (dropping off the roof) WHOO-HOO-HOO! NC: We laughed at this, but honestly, it's not too far off from what some of the movies have. (Cut to a clip of the rooftop scene in the first ''Spider-Man movie)'' NC (vo): If Goblin and Spider-Man can relax on a roof in those ridiculous outfits, playing an Atari game isn't too far off. Green Goblin: (voiced by Doug; grabbing Spider-Man) I could crush you like a bug right now! But, let's play video games instead. (The Goblin and Spider-Man are now seen playing the Spider-Man Atari game) Green Goblin: Seriously, you told her you hunch? Spider-Man: (also voiced by Doug) Yeah, I thought it was a good pickup line for some reason. Green Goblin: Well, it's got to be less awkward than how I cut a Thanksgiving turkey or crawled on the floor to a chair with a Spencer's mask on it. Spider-Man: Yeah, let's hope nothing is ridiculous as in our near future. Green Goblin: Outside of a song-and-dance number, how could it be? (Cut back to the game commercial) NC (vo): '''What can I say, but web-slinging fun never looked so... pixelated. '''Announcer: Is this more action than even Spider-Man can handle? Green Goblin: (dropping off building) WHOO-HOO-HOO! (Cut to the Parker Brothers logo at the end of the commercial) Announcer: Spider-Man, a video game from Parker Brothers, the ones to beat. Federal Express Air Cargo Playset (TV static transition to: '''Federal Express Air Cargo Playset')'' Kid #1: Here comes Federal Express! NC: (feigned surprise) Whoa! Stand back! The world's most exciting toys are here! Kid #2: Ready on the ground! Announcer: This is the Federal Express air cargo playset. NC (vo): Yeah, I remember how jealous I was of the kids that had Federal Express playsets. NC: Here I was, watching the side of... (Cut to a shot of the NC staring open-mouthed at the side of his house) NC (vo): ...my painted house dry. NC: (feigned excitement) I had no idea there was something even more boring! Announcer: The door is opened, and a real conveyor system inside the plane moves the containers into the cargo bay. NC (vo): Hey, slow down! There's only so much excitement we can take! Announcer: Now Federal Express takes off again with cargo for Phoenix. NC: (arms crossed) I have enough intensity with my Pet Rock, thank you very much. Announcer: They're put in containers, loaded on trailers, and taken to the plane. Kid #1: Wow! NC: (more than a little confused) Did that really deserve a "wow"? NC (vo): I could barely muster an "eh?". Announcer: The van delivers packages to the airport. Kid #2: Wow! NC (vo, as kid): I'm prepared for a lifetime of disappointment! Announcer: New York, Miami... NC: Yeah, this commercial's pretty much as boring as it sounds. Come on, guys, you had the Micro Machine man... (Cut to a shot of a Federal Express commercial, featuring John Moschitta, the Micro Machines announcer) NC (vo): ...working for you! Couldn't you utilize him somehow? NC: This is so boring my skin is (holding up his right hand, which is covered in cardboard) actually turning into cardboard! (Cut to the end of the commercial, with all of the pieces displayed) Announcer: The Federal Express air cargo playset comes with everything you see here, from Playskool. NC: (an image of an envelope with the message "Return To Sender" on it appears in the corner) FedEx, putting "return to sender" on your kid's imagination! Frosted Flakes (TV static transitions to: '''Frosted Flakes')'' Kid #1: (after timing a bobsled race) Think we'll beat that time? Tony: Sure we will, after this complete breakfast including my Frosted Flakes. NC (vo): Ah, Tony the Tiger. You represent everything youthful and strong with the voice of (picture of) an 80-year old. Bully #1: Let's see if you're any good! Tony: Frosted Flakes "good"? Tony & Kid #2: They're GRRRRRREAT!!!! NC (vo): Though Tony's, of course, still around, there's was a very distinct formula that was used in the 80s and 90s ads. You see, it always starts with Tony befriending some random kid at some random sports who's always being made fun of by bullies. Bully #2: You two wanna take a horsey ride? Bully #3: You two up for a little game? Bully #4: Hey, you two! The kiddie slope's over there. Bully #5: You think they'll come in here? Bully #6: ...they'll just wipe out. NC: (mimicking bully) Time to tie our sweaters around our chests and throw Cadillacs at puppies. (Snorts) Bully #7: Hope your serve is good. Bully #8: You guys can have the new kid. Bully #9: We don't want him. You're stuck with him. NC (vo): What's wrong with these dipshits? You're making fun of the kid that has a killer predator on his side. This is not gonna end well! Bully #2: We'll see how good you are. NC: (mimicking bully) What are you gonna do? Sink your giant animated tiger on me-- (The "giant animated tiger" attacks the screaming NC.) NC (vo): But, of course, it's the great taste of Frosted Flakes.that brings out their inner tiger and transforms them into a sportstar. Bully #10: See if that'll do any good. Tony: "Good"? Tony & Kid #1: They're GRRRRRREAT!!! (Kid #1 and Tony begin the bomb sled race.) Narrator: Show 'em you're a tiger! Show 'em what you can do! NC: (shaking his head in disagreement) I see some false advertising in that. NC (vo): Some meat, protein bars, vegetables; these are things that can make you a better athlete. Sugar-frosted newspaper cannot. NC: Nobody says, "You know what would make people who eat (picture in the top-left corner of) Wheaties even stronger? Candy flavoring." NC (vo): There's even (picture of) chocolate-covered versions with marshmallows. How is any of this supposed to make you a sportstar? If they really wanna be honest with the ads, they'd be like... (Two bullies (played by Walter Banasiak & Jim Jarosz) confront Hockey Kid (played by Tamara Chambers).) Bully (Walter): Hey, loser! Sad that your parents died in a car crash? (The bullies laugh as the Hockey Kid walks away.) Hockey Kid: I'll never be as cool as those guys. Tuffy (Doug): That's what you think! Hockey Kid: Tuffy the Tiger! Tuffy: What you need is a helping of my Tuffy Flakes! It brings out the toughness in you! Bully (Jim): You think you're any good? Tuffy: Tuffy Flakes "good"? Tuffy & Hockey Kid: They're GRRRRRREAT!!! Tuffy: ...wheated sugar! Hockey Kid: Wait! What?! Tuffy: Oh, yes. There's no wheat in this, (we then see...) we just scrap off the tops of sugar cubes and dye them brown. Hockey Kid: That sounds incredibly unhealthy-- Tuffy: Go get 'em, tiger! (He pushes the Hockey Kid into game. The bullies easily start winning while Hockey Kid starts becoming exhausted as Tuffy approaches her.) Singer (Doug): Show 'em that you're a Tuffy! Show 'em what you can do! Hockey Kid: I'm sluggish and slow. Tuffy: You just need more Tuffy Flakes! (He shoves a handful into her mouth.) Tuffy: Keep 'em guessin', tiger! (He pushes her into the game again. The bullies continue to win while Hockey Kid stumbles and Tuffy puts the Tuffy Flakes cereal box next to her.) Singer: It makes some weird girring sounds because you know what's cool. Tuffy: Problem? Hockey Kid: I feel dizzy and weak! Tuffy: Eh, hat's just the diabetes setting in. What you need is some insulin. (He jabs insulin into Hockey Kid's back. Hockey Kid screams in agony as Tuffy pours Tuffy Flakes in her mouth) Tuffy: Keep 'em on their toes, tiger! (He once again pushes her into the game. The bullies begin celebrating their victory while Hockey Kid loses consciousness and dies with Tuffy trying to force her to get back up, but finally gives up.) Singer: You start your breakfast right with what most people call dessert. When you have a taste of Tuffy's Tuffy Flakes...it brings out the toughness in you. (We then see Hockey Kid's grave and Tuffy standing next to his cereal box. There's a text under the cereal box that says "IT'S JUST CORN FLAKES WITH FROSTING!") Tuffy: They're GRRRRRROSSELY mis-advertised! (Back to the commercial.) NC (vo): Well, it's still fun and Tony's such a great mascot, it's hard not to get sucked into all the sports-tastic propaganda. Bully #7: That's a good hit! Singer: It brings out the tiger in you! Tony: And you! Simon (TV static transitions to: '''Simon')'' (A group of kids is gathered in the same place) NC: Whoa. What are all these kids gathered around for? Boy: It's Johnny. (Another boy in a black jacket, named Johnny, walks to the stump on which the Simon game is) Girl: He's gonna play Simon. Boy: Nobody beats Simon. NC: Hey, hey, stand back! Son of a bitch thinks he can take on Simon. (Johnny walks through the crowd and takes off his jacket. He hands it to another girl, who looks really happy to be holding it) NC: Wow, girl! I think that jacket just put you through early puberty. NC (vo, as the girl): I will smell Johnny's jacket all through the night. Smells like SpaghettiOs and victory. Johnny: I want you, Simon. NC (as Johnny): I want to blow away this easily impressed group of fourth graders. (As Johnny is pressing the buttons on the game, the announcer speaks) Announcer: Simon is the challenge you've been waiting for. And if you get very good at Simon, great rewards await you. NC: (laughs) Yes. If you take on the challenge of pushing beeping buttons, you get the great reward of them beeping without you pushing them! Announcer: It takes coordination of hand and mind just to play the game. (Johnny wins) Johnny: Thank you, Simon. (He throws up his arm in triumph as the kids cheer) NC (vo): I love how politely he thanks the machine before he soaks up the victory. (The scene is replayed) NC (as Johnny): (puts both of his hands in the air and screams) AAAAAAAH! (normal) I want to thank you for a challenging game. It really did well to enhance my reflexes--AAAAAAAH! (The kids are still cheering) Johnny: Thank you, Simon. NC (vo): Look at these kids! It's just Simon, guys! I mean, what do you think this is? Crossfire? NC: You may be cool, Simon, but you're not "Crossfire being played by Dante Basco dressed as Firebender Zuko" cool. (A behind-the-scenes clip showing Dante Basco, who's dressed as Zuko, playing Crossfire, is shown briefly. NC clenches his fist to the camera while the Crossfire jingle plays out) NC (vo): Check out the look he gives when the girl puts the jacket on him. He's just like... (in a deep voice) "Girl, you're my bitch now." NC: (still talking in a deep voice) Simon says I own your ass. (nods) NC (vo): It ain't Crossfire, but as game commercials go, it's a close second. (The scene of Johnny soaking up the victory and the kids cheering for him is shown once more. The girl puts the jacket on Johnny, and he starts to walk away, but then turns to look at the camera) Announcer: Simon is waiting for you. From Milton Bradley. NC (vo, as Johnny): You're my bitch now. Burger King Kids Club Kid #1: One kids' meal. (Kid Vid suddenly appears right in front of him.) Kid #1: Please? Kid Vid: Right away. NC (vo): So we all know McDonald's has Ronald McDonald, but for a while, Burger King had the Burger King Kids Club. It lasted for a good chunk of time until they realized the '90s wanted to die, and this was the last remaining thread of them. I mean, look at them. They're drenched in the '90s. It even has all the '90s token characters: the token geeky kid, the token Hispanic kid, the token black kid, the token wheelchair kid, and... ooh, two token girls? NC: (in high-pitched voice, with his hands on cheeks) The '90s aren't ready! NC (vo): Truth be told, it was kinda neat to have such a wide variety, but they never really had any characteristics like the McDonald's commercials. (Cut to a variety of clips featuring McDonald's characters) NC (vo): Roland was confidently goofy, Grimace was a doofus, Hamburglar was a troublemaker. (Cut back to the Burger King Kids Club commercial) NC (vo): What are these kids' story? NC: Um... NC (vo): ...they kidnap kids through black magic? Mother (vo): Don't forget to clean your room. Kid #2: It's not that bad. (He opens the door to his room, only to be avalanched by his dirty laundry; then, Kid Vid transports him to Burger King) NC (vo, mimicking Kid Vid): This'll take you away from your ethical obligations. Kid #2: All right! NC (vo): They... take pictures of boys bathing? NC: Okay, you and (pictures of Token Girl #1 and Simon Girl #2 appear in top left and right corners, respectively) this girl (the Simon Girl) need a talking to. NC (vo): Turn away people they don't like? Kid Vid: Who belongs to the Burger King Kids Club? (a boy) He does! (a girl) She does! (a T-Rex) I don't think so. NC (vo): Wh--you're turning away dinosaurs? What's wrong with you? Your coolness would've gone up a million percent if you had a T-Rex as a member! Kid Vid: (two kids) Definitely yes! (three bagpipers) Definitely not! NC: For a crew that's trying to be so "open and accepting", you sure are saying "no" to a lot of people! (The scene with the bagpipers is repeated.) NC: Screw bagpipe players! They can go to hell! NC (vo): No wonder your characters never sold that great. Mother #2: Hey, guys, wanna go to the toy store? Kids #3 & #4: Nah! NC (mimicking a kid): Burger King made toys boring. I don't know if they'll ever get a reaction from us aga– (The Burger King appears.) NC (mimicking a kid): Ahh! Spoke too soon! NC (vo): A valiant attempt, but if they don't even mention their names in the commercials, all we're gonna see 'em as is the black kid, the Hispanic kid, and...Cyclops. (Cut to a clip from X-Men (2000), where Wolverine is meeting the X-Men for the first time) Wolverine (to Professor X): What do they call you? Wheels? NC: Actually, yes. (there's a picture of the wheelchair kid in the top left corner and his name, "Wheels", is under him) Awkward. Kid Vid: The Burger King Kids Club! It's just for fun! And just for you! Wolverine: This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Oreo Cookies (TV static transitions to: '''Oreo Cookies')'' Game Boy Eggo Waffles Care Bears McDonald's Mac Tonight (TV static transitions to: '''McDonald's Mac Tonight')'' Mac Tonight: (singing to "Mack the Knife" as he plays the piano) When the clock strikes... NC (vo): This character was kind of cool. He was called Mac Tonight, also known as Moon Man. His whole purpose was to let you know that McDonald's was open later and... dare we say, a classy place to hang out at night? NC: The answer is no, you may not dare to say that. Mac Tonight: (signing) At McDonald's... (stops singing briefly) Showtime! (finishes dramatically) Mac Tonight! NC (vo): The ads looked cool and the character was pretty neat, but... I'm sorry, this would never convince anyone McDonald's is an upscale place to be. It just ain't gonna happen! (The NC is seen pretending to eat something, while Beethoven's "Fur Elise" plays in the background) NC: (British accent) Mmmm, these McNuggets are especially chickenless today. (looks to his left) Oh, hello, Andre! (Cut to another shot of the NC, who looks to his right and speaks in a slightly higher pitch, but still British) NC: Oh, hello, Alexander! I was busy having a griddle of the "Mc" variety. NC (as Alexander): Oh, how frightfully witty. Ohohohoho! NC (as Andre): Ohohohoho! Why, isn't that Juluis from Walmart? (A man in a top hat and monocle, the logo for The New Yorker, walks up) New Yorker Logo: Never mind me, I'm just seeing if they have the McLobster. NC (as Andre): Oh, is that a thing? NC (as Alexander): Yes! (looks to the camera, while a shot of the actual McLobster appears in the corner; drops accent) Yes, it is. (looks disgusted) (Back to the Mac Tonight ad) NC (vo): I guess it doesn't help that this moon guy is also a little creepy. Just watch what happens when you switch out the music from this actual ad they used to play. (The ad in question is of a boy studying in a darkened room, except for a light on his desk, when his window opens; horror music plays; the kid shrugs and goes on studying, while a shadow of Mac Tonight appears on the wall; suddenly, Mac starts singing his theme, but it's very faint, drowned out by the horror movie; the boy runs over to the window and looks out while eating a McDonald's hamburger; Mac is seated on the roof of the house) Mac Tonight: (singing faintly) It's Mac Toniiiiight...! NC (vo, as Mac Tonight; whispering): I will stab your heart with my chiiiiiin...! (Cut to an image of a book by Bruce Campbell: "If Chins Could Kill - Confessions of a B Movie Actor") NC (vo, still as Mac): Only I and Bruce Campbell can do that. (Back to the Mac Tonight ad) NC (vo): Still a cool character, even if he is a bit nightmare-inducing. Mac Tonight: (finishes singing, while playing a piano on a giant hamburger) It's Mac Toniiiiight! Come on, make it Mac Tonight! (One last note of his song plays dramatically as the words "Mac Tonight", shown in neon lights, flicker out) My Interactive Pooh (TV static transition to: '''My Interactive Pooh')'' Female announcer: Meet the absolutely remarkable My Interactive Pooh. NC: (snickering; double facepalming himself) Oh, my God! Pooh: Where's Eeyore? (The corresponding CD-ROM game's image on the computer screen shows Eeyore emerging from behind a tree) Girl: Here? Pooh: (as girl cuddles him) Hooray, you found Eeyore. Female announcer: An extraordinary new Pooh. NC: (amused, with his head resting on his hand) Why are we talking about extraordinary new Pooh? Are we having lunch with Grandpa again? Female announcer: Pooh interacts with your child and computer for hours. NC: (shaking his head) That sounds very unsanitary. Female announcer: Download and take Pooh fun anywhere. NC: "Take Pooh fun anywhere." I'd imagine you'd get arrested for something like that. Pooh: Hello, Jenna. Jenna: Pooh knows my name! NC: (trying not to laugh) I'm way too childish to talk about... a children's commercial, but let's just say this isn't my number-one commercial, but it's definitely (holds index and middle fingers on right hand) my number-two. Children: (singing) A whole new way to play! Female announcer: Incredible new My Interactive Pooh. NC (vo): (snickering) Okay. Federal Equal Pay Law PSA with '60s Batman North American House Hippo Canada PSA (TV static transition to: '''North American House Hippo Canada PSA')'' NC (vo): Here's another PSA from... (the caption "Canada" is shown) Canada?! Oh, no. NC: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! (dons a soldier's helmet and brings out a large machine gun, aiming it at the camera) I've been fooled by your PSAs before, Canada! You always try to make them look so friendly and nice, but then there's rape whistles and face burnings and putting things in your mouth! Well, I'm ready for you this time, Canada! Do your worst! (The commercial shows an empty house in the middle of the night) Narrator: It's nighttime in a kitchen just like yours. NC: (aiming gun) Uh-huh. Narrator: All is quiet. (a cat is shown) Or is it? (A tiny hippo is shown walking into the house) NC: Blah-blah-blah. What the shit was that?! Narrator: The North American house hippo is found throughout Canada and the eastern United States. (a map is shown describing that fact) NC: (rolling eyes in confusion) ...What? Narrator: House hippos are very timid creatures and they're rarely seen. (cat notices tiny hippo) But they will defend their territory when provoked. (the hippo is shown bathing inside the cat's dish of milk) They come out at night to search for food, water, materials for their nests. NC: What? They're-they're-they're-they're-they're... They eat children or something! (aims his gun again) (The hippo is shown eating several foods) Narrator: The favorite foods of the house hippo are chips, raisins, and the crumbs from peanut butter on toast. NC: (cocking his gun) I'm not falling for your cuteness, Canada! (aims his gun again) Where are you going with this?! Narrator: They build their nests in bedroom closets, using lost mittens, dryer lint, and bits of string. NC: And then they... flamethrower your family? Don't smoke? Narrator: House hippos sleep about 16 hours a day. (The screen fades to black, then shows the hippo taking care of a baby hippo. We then immediately see that scene on a television set.) Female announcer: That looked really... real. But you knew it couldn't be true, didn't you? That's why it's good to think about what you're watching on TV and ask questions, kind of like you just did. (the Concerned Children's Advertiser's logo is shown on the television) A message from Concerned Children's Advertisers. (NC is surprised and confused at the same time) NC: Well, that was... nice. Downright adorable. (Footage of the previous Canada PSAs are shown as NC speaks) NC (vo): So, let me get this straight, Canada: You start off your dark, disturbing PSAs as cute and innocent, and start off your cute and innocent PSAs as dark and disturbing? NC: What are you, Canada? You're like a riddle inside an enigma inside a "please and thank you". (Footage of the hippo PSA is shown again) NC (vo): Okay. Cool. The house hippo. Don't believe everything you see. Fair enough. A cute, harmless, even educational PSA. Good for you, Canada. NC: I will not have nightmares tonight. (takes his helmet off and puts guns away) Okay. We good, Canada. We good. Thank you for that enlightening, very pleasant PSA. Well, on to the next one. Electricity Football PSA (TV static transitions to: '''the Electricity Football PSA from Britain')'' NC (vo): Okay, so here's one from Britain called "Electricity Football". NC: Oh, cool. I always wondered what their version of electric football was like. (an image of a game of electric football is briefly displayed in the corner) (Three boys are looking at a restricted area, filled with various electric generators and warning signs. One boy, named George, sees a football in the area) George: Look! Over there, there's a football! (sees a copper-colored ball) NC (vo): Oh, it's that kind of football. NC: That's fine. (an image of a World Cup game appears in the corner) I'm still curious to see how kids play that. (Another boy, Darren, begins to go through the fence into the area) Boy #3: Hang on, mate. This place is electrified. Darren: It's all right if I don't touch anything. (Darren goes into the area, ignoring what Boy #3 said, as George begins to go through the fence as well. NC becomes confused) NC: Not... seeing any plug or boards... (Darren runs through the area and begins climbing up to the spot where the football is) NC: Was this a Parker Brothers game? (After reaching the spot where the football is, Darren grabs the ball and throws it, but the ball ends up hitting a generator, causing it to release a shock that electrocutes Darren as he falls to the ground, dead. NC becomes freaked out) NC: (screaming) OHH, JESUS! NC (vo): OH, GOOD LORD! NC: OH, SWEET HEAVENLY GOD, NO! George: Darren! (George immediately runs into the area towards Darren) NC: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!... (NC repeats those words in fast-motion as the commercial continues, until George reaches Darren's body) George: Darren! (George attempts to reach down to Darren's body, but unknown to him, his left hand is about to touch an electric generator next to him) Boy #3: No, George! (Too late; George accidentally touches the generator, electrocuting him and killing him off-screen. NC, extremely freaked out by all of this, lets out four long high-pitched, almost girlish screams. The commercial shows a wide shot of the electric area as the smoke from the electrocutions rises into the sky. The commercial's message is then shown with captions) Announcer: Stay safe. Stay out. Don't take a chance with electricity. NC: (sits there stunned, then cries out:) I'M AFRAID OF BRITAIN NOW! YOU'RE NEW CANADA! YOU'RE NEW CANADA! Announcer: Stay out. NC (vo): OH, TRUST ME! I WILL! YOU ELECTROCUTE KIDS LIKE BUG ZAPPERS! NC: YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK, BRITAIN! YOU CAN KEEP YOUR TERRY GILLIAM, 'CAUSE YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK!! (The boys getting electrocuted is shown again, causing NC to scream again and change the channel) Starburst Berries 'n' Creme Little Baby's Ice Cream (TV static transitions to: '''Little Baby's Ice Cream' commercial)'' (The commercial shows a humanoid ice cream creature looking at the camera while disturbing music appears and staring at the NC, who looks quite shocked) Humanoid ice cream creature (voiceover): There's good reason for my glistening skin. (eats its own head with a plastic spoon) And how my pores are so clean, clear. (NC still looks shocked and terrified) I eat Little Baby's Ice Cream. It keeps me young. It keeps me light on my feet. I spring from activity to activity. When you eat Little Baby's Ice Cream, you’ll wink and nod with great enthusiasm. Ice cream is a feeling. (Little Baby's Ice Cream logo appears) (NC sits there frozen, until a second NC, who is the real one (the other was just a cutout), grabs it and throws it out) NC: Okay, okay, yeah. I apologize, that version of me has expired. He... simply had nothing more to give. He tried. He tried very, very hard to look inside himself to find something, anything that he could offer. But, in the end, you just took too much from him, world. You just took too much from him. He will be missed. A moment of silence, if you will. (NC looks down at the bottom of the screen, where the words "Myself: 1981-2016" appears, while tragic music plays in the background. He then looks to the camera) NC: Me, on the other hand, WHAT THE HELL?! (Commercial plays again) NC (vo): This is the freakiest thing I have ever seen! This is for something called "Little Baby's Ice Cream?!" It would scare the piss out of any little babies watching it! It's so terrifying, I'm not even convinced it's made for little babies! I think it's made out of little babies! NC: Don't believe me?! Watch it again and just take out the ice cream part! Tell me if it makes a little too much sense! (Commercial plays again with even more disturbing music playing in the background) Humanoid ice cream creature (voiceover): I eat little babies. It keeps me young. It keeps me light on my feet. When you eat little babies, you'll wink, and nod. This is a special time. Little babies is a feeling. NC: (looking up, shaking his arms) Little Baby's Ice Cream is people! See Also *Commercial Special *Return of the Nostalgic Commercials *Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials *Dawn of the Commercials *Rise of the Commercials *Conquest of the Commercials Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Content Category:Guides Category:Commercials Category:Articles that need improvement